Daydreaming

when i was a kid i used to day dream a lot.. Dream about my future life and love..

Blame it to all the comics, movies, and novel i read and watched.. Lol..

Ver.1

Pas kecil dulu kepikiran bakal married with the love of my life in a small and intimate wedding.  We both live in a small European village.. Sitting in a small cafe next to small river, sipping tea/coffee, and reading a book.. Seasonnya pas lagi spring yang penuh bunga-bunga.. and i will bike around the village in summer days.. Pas natal we will sip hot chocolate di depan perapian dengan dekorasi natal yang meriah.. we live a simple and happy life

Ver.2

Yang ini versinya lebih materialistic... Gw bermimpi jadi pengusaha sukses di Indonesia yang punya banyak perusahaan.. My days filled with meeting, business suit, event, overseas trip, etc.. In this dream i had a big wedding with equally successful  spouse..

Back to reality now..

I do marry the love of my life in a small intimate wedding and i can only say he's my true love.. we don't live in a small beautiful village, in fact i live in a flat small town with no nature or sightseeing nearby.. I don't sip coffee in small cafe but occasionally buy coffee from st*arbucks to function in the morning lol.. And no, i don't have a bike.. To be fair i got my white christmas and hot chocolate though.. Follow with 4 months of winter every year! haha...

Yang versi ke dua lebih lagi beda bener sama gw sekarang, secara tinggal aja udah ga di indo..

Meski dua versi mimpi itu sangat bertolak belakang tapi semuanya itu punya satu kesamaan.. yaitu dua-duanya stop saat i found the "one". There's no further dream about motherhood or having a little human in my life.. So at this stage of my life where i'm expecting it sure a blessed but still a strange feeling for me..

I never really thought much about having kids even after marriage. I never be the one who adores kids.. for me they are annoying little creature that just eat.poop.sleep.. repeat 1000x

Even at my age now in early 30's (which is not that young for first time mom) i still feel not ready.. Maybe i will never be ready..

However i love every day being pregnant (not everyday is easy but everyday bring me closer to her) and i'm grateful. But to be completely honest i feel anxious and overwhelmed.. So many feelings..

how i'm going to deliver? how we gonna raise her? will i be a good mom? etc..

The best thing i can do is not to think too much and has a lot of activity and stuff to do.. but even i can't do that. When i get too busy or running around i will get spotting/ light bleeding.. Makes me super worried i'll have early labor.. I need to rest/ stay home a lot.

All i can do now is just write it down here and get it out of my chest and surely pray everyday..

I guess i can start daydreaming again like i used to when i was a kid..

Only this time i daydream about my little bun in the oven :)